We all have flaws, perceived or otherwise, that have plagued us since youth. Or at least we just simply always remember worrying about them. I’m not smart enough. Or my legs aren’t long enough or I’m too introverted. Whatever it may be, it is something that probably weighs us down. Where did it come from? Did you wake up one morning and simply think it or feel it? Or most likely, did it stem from something someone said once. Maybe we remember EXACTLY when it started, the exact moment someone said something that stuck with us. Or maybe we’ve blocked it out, and just somehow think it’s some universal, unconnected truth that just is, as if it’s a fact. I’ve written about my legs before. I can remember an exact moment in a car when I was about 13. I was squished in with a few friends coming back from the movies, my brother driving us. It was summer and hot and we all had shorts on and windows down. I looked to the left to one of my best friends, her leg pressed against mine, and I had two thoughts, thoughts that always seem to pop into my mind, like it was yesterday. One was that her leg was so much skinnier than mine. I couldn’t stop looking at it. The second was how tan hers was next to mine. I felt pasty and unattractive and what probably really makes this memory stick is that my brother commented on it. That my legs were too big for us to pile in the back and all fit. He never said fat. They weren’t. They were just—bigger. Muscular. And too short. Always too short.
And it makes me wonder: Does everyone feel that? Do even the most happy, the one most smiling, the one who seems to have it all, feel those things too? I never thought about it much until I was older, until I actually spoke to my brother about such things, him aghast that such a small comment that, to him, meant nothing but a silly joke, could leave such a lasting impression on my psyche. Because to him, it was such a non-issue; to him, in some strange way, he was complimenting me on my hard work.
I think the things that stick with us the longest or the most come from people we love or trust who let us down. I often wonder, had a stranger said that if I would have given it two thoughts. Maybe. Maybe not. But it’s the people closest to us that can hurt us the most. In love. In friendship. Anyone we let in. And maybe that’s why it’s easier to keep people at a distance. The rocks of words can’t hit as hard far away. But up close, they can leave scars.
4 Comments
DeeSee
2/10/2022 10:10:48
Ok ... I commented on your post in FB, but didn't know the full context until I read this. There is a great deal of pressure on girls and women to be something imagines by others Marketing and cultural pressures reinforce them in a way that is often hurtful.
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2/10/2022 11:43:50
I hear you! Perhaps many women have been through a stage in our lives when we felt that we were not enough. Not slim enough. Not pretty enough. Not clever enough. Not funny enough. Words are so powerful, and someone teasing you as a child can often have lifelong consequences. I wanted to have ballet classes, but Mum said she couldn’t afford it. Then someone (maybe my brother, I don’t remember) called me Two Ton Tessie. In other words, I was too heavy to be a ballet dancer. I was crushed, and thought of myself as big and heavy for many years. In fact, looking at photos of myself, I wasn’t overweight. I was just “sturdy” from lots of exercise and climbing trees etc.
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Kath
2/10/2022 18:07:43
Oh yes I remember being called a boy because I had short hair and it really bothered me for years. Some people have said its stupid to worry about little things like that but I understand this so much because when we are young, it shapes everything. I did get past it though and my husband likes me with short hair. This brought back memory.
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Master
2/17/2022 23:02:16
You are lovely.
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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