​Today I have many questions and they all relate in some way (sure they do) to the same topic: Cheating in fiction. First, how do you feel about your main heroine cheating? Not on the hero (or in this case, anti-hero), but cheating on a former boyfriend, the minor character, sort of by chance, a man she really is not fulfilled or happy with? Further, and this is more of the question, must she fess up to it? Tell him? If someone cheated on you in real life, would you want to know if you were already broken up? What would it do for you to know except hurt you? Is “the truth” the most important thing? Or are the feelings of another? I hope you’ll indulge me to read the whole, blasted post.😊

As I edit EDGE of TORMENT (which often means rewriting certain sections as I read back), I come back to a topic that seems to disturb people. Cheating. But I’ve asked you that before. So it doesn’t end there. The novel has elements of cheating in it, but it’s more a tale of self-discovery, a woman staying in a safe relationship, because she thinks it’s what she must do, that she is obligated to do…that is until she meets someone who opens her up to a world of sexuality she’s sort of been waiting for her whole life…she just never knew it. It took him to unlock her deepest desires. And she follows her "bliss."

The issue isn’t that she should follow her heart, her bliss, and pursue happiness (at least I hope it isn’t. I would vehemently disagree with you there), it’s that she acts before she’s left the other man, albeit a bit spontaneously. And some readers get downright upset and angry with me for that. I thought of changing that…that perhaps she could be broken up with the former first. But the whole story line would change. And I rather like it as is, all angsty and imperfect. What say you? Should I rework a bit of the sequence? Or should I say: Fuck it. These are the realities of relationships, life, choices, and sexual discovery. I sort of made my mind to just leave things where they are. Annabelle is not perfect. None of the characters are. Why should they be? But…

You’d think summer would be my favorite season, having months off to write and swim and sleep late and eat the best of garden veggies, and it is, but there is something about fall that brings waves of nostalgia like I can’t describe. Fall makes me feel, as does each season, but fall is in a class all its own.

It might be that it always makes me feel like I’m still young. I’m still the teenager Rosemary. School starting. Back-to-school shopping and tights and sweaters and UGGs. Halloween afoot. The colors and smells of pies and apple picking and pumpkins and cool, brisk air that lets you know you’re alive. Maybe it brings me back to days of first loves and leaf fights and innocence and innocence lost. Bonfires and football games and cheerleading and back-to-school dances. Maybe it’s because I teach and those things haven’t changed all that much.

I really don’t know why, because it’s this strange feeling I get when fall is on the horizon. It’s such a strange emotion, I can’t even describe it. It’s an anxious excitement. It’s not all good, and yet, I clutch at its strength, its power. It’s like every sense is reawakened somehow and every emotion on the spectrum. Maybe that’s why. Maybe summer is too ‘easy.’ Maybe there isn’t as much meaning in easy. Maybe it reminds that I don’t like standing still. Maybe it reminds me of how easily I get bored.
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But often, and probably as long as I live, it will remind of my mother and the difficult relationship we had. (CLICK HERE to see a former BLOG about my mother.) It’s not only because of the anniversary of her death, but it’s remembering our “fall” fights.  We fought the strongest during those early fall months. We couldn’t agree on clothes or hair or make-up. Dance classes would start up again, and the insecurities blossomed bigger, the pressure ever heavy, even as I needed to dance just as I needed to breathe. We loved each other under the most complicated of terms right up until her death. But it was love. 
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Maybe falls reminds me that some days, I wish I could do a redo. And maybe every fall reminds me that I can’t. I CAN, however, do right now…and I better start figuring out what RIGHT NOW looks like. Maybe I need to let go of what others think I should be, and instead, let all my worries and inhibitions fall, a leaf from a tree that realizes when it's time to let go. Maybe  “to every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose” is true. And maybe,  I need to start living as I was meant. Me. My season. The purpose I divine. 

Today I ponder plastic surgery and social media filters. What say you on these topics?

In news this week, there have been many reports about something the media is calling: Snapchat Dysmorphia. (Don’t you just love when they come up with these catchphrases everyone latches onto?)  CBS reported: “Plastic surgeons are sounding the alarm on a disturbing trend that's emerged with the growing popularity of social media: patients seeking cosmetic surgery to resemble how they see themselves in Snapchat filters,” which has “people requesting fuller lips, bigger eyes, or a thinner nose in order to look like the filtered or photo-edited versions of themselves.”

I have longed worried about this. Not the plastic surgery idea. I never in my wildest imagination thought that it would lead to plastic surgery increases to this extent, but I have worried about the foolish filters and annoying filter of Snapchat. (Sorry to those who love them. That is your call.) I remember when Snapchat first got popular, and I said to my hairdresser: “I don’t get it? What is the difference between that and other forms of social media formats?” And she responded: “You can make yourself look so much prettier and cuter. Look I’ll show you. Everyone looks good in these filters!”

We all have personal and professional goals, aka, dreams, we’re trying to achieve in this go-around. What are yours? And at what point is a dream just wishful thinking? In short, when is it time to give up? We see all kinds of positive thinking and memes on social media about not giving up, about following our dreams, about staying the course, and on and on…but are some dreams absurd? Does the boy who wants to be a professional soccer player, for instance, who works tirelessly and hard to achieve that goal foolish when, say, he just doesn’t have the strength for it? Or the talent? Or that young girl who wants to become a veterinarian but who can’t pass a science class or understand the concepts as hard as she tries? Could the same be said for writers? Or any other goals and dreams? In short, are some dreams simply unreasonable and causing us more angst and depression?

In an article in Psychology Today last year, the old adages of "Follow Your Dreams" and "Never Give Up" and "At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again!" were debunked and a new study by Klaus Rothermund and Katharina Koppe actually said that such maxims as "Anything Is Possible" are harmful and even exacerbate or cause depression in people. 

"As we all know from our childhood experiences, the maxim “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again!” is drummed into our heads from a very young age. These type of pep talks may backfire if the goal is unachievable regardless of how much effort someone pours into his or her futile struggle to succeed.... Rothermund and Koppe found that people often develop clinical depression as a result of making a Herculean effort to achieve an unattainable goal only to realize that their efforts were pointless. No matter how hard the person tries, his or her goals will always be out of reach. This experience can lead to colossal disappointment along with hopelessness, a loss of feeling in control, and helplessness."

Further, the research went on to say that "giving up," once such a negative phrase, can actually save someone from depression and instead can create "a sense of liberty and freedom" that "learning to let go of an unrealistic goal can...help to avoid the demoralization of hitting endless roadblocks and dead ends," and embraces a new adage: ​"The one, who gives up, wins." 

It's hard to give up on a dream. We've been taught that it somehow makes us a failure. We're used to looking to blame other people for the obstacles to our success, calling them "naysayers" and spending an awful lot of time proving those said naysayers wrong, telling ourselves things like:
~The only “yes” you need to follow your dreams is yours.
~You’ll regret it later in life, and if you’re delaying it, you’ll question yourself why didn’t you do it sooner.
~Not following your dreams makes you feel unaccomplished.  Eventually, this will stop you from dreaming altogether.
​(GLOBOTREKS.com)

And certainly, in some cases, that is very true, especially for we writers. Someone puts us down. Criticizes us. Tells us our stuff is shit. What's worse is when someone we respect or admire or who we think supports us tells us this. That's a hard blow. And any person who is self reflective takes these things to heart. But we hearken to the words of the best writers who were also told the same things, who leave us with advice, and it soothes our inner demons...for a time.

I'm not sure where I fall on this spectrum. I would ask you to ask yourself the same questions I've been asking myself before giving up on a dream: How do I feel when I hit an obstacle or failure, perceived or otherwise? Do I feel myself spiraling into a depression when things don't go as planned? Am I following the dream I get satisfaction from? Or is there no longer satisfaction in following that dream? Am I following someone else's dream for me? Am I happy following my dream? Have I set my expectations too high? Do I feel good until someone knocks me down a peg? Is my dream keeping me awake at night? Making me anxious? Insecure? Is my self esteem dwindling? Am I depressed because of it?

The answers to those questions will give us the answer to whether or not our dream is worth following. We must remember: We are NOT one dream. We should have many dreams, many goals, and many pursuits. As a girl who once thought being a professinal dancer was the only dream worth pursuing, I know this. Mediocre at much; master of none was something I often heard. It's bullshit. Being well-rounded is NOT a flaw. This much I do know and HAVE learned.

So set up a life with MANY goals and dreams, and take them one day at a time. Do what makes your soul feel alive, pumping with energy and spirit, not one drowned and suffocated. And for me, today, my goal will be to sit on a beach, under the sun, think about all the things I have to be grateful for and let life live through me. And that will be enough, for now....