Are you a pack-rat? Do you save everything and then some? Today I ponder the fact that I move on quite easily when it comes to “things.” Course I have some regrets about that, but I’m a minimalist when it comes to organization, especially in my house or office. The problem is—I don’t CLEAN enough and that’s the issue. When it comes time to go through things, I’m so overwhelmed, I simply throw everything out, but a few things that I know I MUST keep. I even find myself throwing pennies in the trash! Worthless, heavy coin! Why we still have it, I’ll never know! But that is another topic for another day. I also clear things out of my electronics as well. Emails. Messages. Pics. But same. I end up getting so overwhelmed when I read that my email box is full, I end up losing valuable things. I’m working towards balance when it comes to this. This probably surprises you, for those who know me well and how emotional I am. But I’ve realized, I don’t get all that attached to “things.” When I moved at 13, I cried, thinking I was giving up my childhood memories. I didn’t care after a day. When I got rid of my first car, my beloved first car that saw things it shouldn’t have, I was so emotionally distraught, until I got a much better car. It wasn’t about the car. It was about the freedom. And when I got a kindle and donated many of my books, so many books because I moved and the packing was insurmountable, I heard a voice inside my head whispering: “You will regret this. Yes you will.” But…yup. I didn’t. I read more now, and well, you’ve read my environmental posts. It’s not to say I don’t keep some things. I do! I have essays and plays and poems I STILL have from former students. And letters. Some cards. My dad's eulogy. I even saved some old Avon perfume pins handed down to me from my great aunt. Those are a hoot! A few American girl dolls. Duh. Of course. Who hasn't? I did throw out my Barbies though. Do I regret that? Maybe a little. :) But you see, I didn’t give up ALL of it, just the “stuff” I no longer felt I needed. I really wasn't that attached. But most recently, when I gave up my summer family cabin, I didn’t think I’d be able to survive a summer without the lake and the dock and campfires and everything else I lived with since I can remember, the peace and serenity I often found there. But alas, it was sort of nice not to worry about driving there, about who might be there, about maintenance, about the loud fireworks. I simply moved on. Replaced it with other things that brought me equal parts peace and emotion. And that realization is bittersweet. Things weigh us down, tie us to the past too much like a chain, and we're not living in the moment. We can’t grow if we hold on too tight and become so attached to things that we become immobile. I suppose that is life. A constant moving on. It’s not the things. It’s the emotions. It’s the feelings. There is beauty in so much right in front of us every day, if we just notice. And I’ll have those things with me always in the now and as memories. For really, everything takes place in our mind anyway. My deduction is simple: If I don’t remember it, it wasn’t important. And IF I can’t remember it someday, so be that too. I won’t know! But people? People I love…now that. That is another story. Maybe someday I’ll learn how to become less attached.
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I have written ad nauseam about intuition and my love/hate relationship with it. I like to think it’s not my intuition that rules my actions or thoughts but my background in research. If I follow the crumbs, they lead to the bread from whence it came. But what is it that started you on the trail in the first place? What makes the crumbs so readily available to me or you or anyone else? Why are we looking for them? For more times than not, they’re not there without our pursuit. Sometimes we call it a hunch. But again, those “hunches” come from previous experiences we’ve had, right? And oftentimes, it’s the people who burn us or betray us or let us down that stick. For all the love we may have or had, all the loyal friendships, all the good reaped upon us always seems to be overshadowed by the bad. That one experience of broken trust, for instance, is the one experience that makes us cautious, tip-toe into another relationship, slow down our chance at trust. And if it happens more than once? Well, it’s easier to think anything good will soon turn sour. Given the right amount of time, most people disappoint us. I don’t like thinking this way. But call it what you will—a hunch, past experiences, intuition, common sense—if we ignore the crumbs, we’ll fooling ourselves. How many times have all the signs added up and we’ve tried to explain them away, not daring or wanting to believe them? Going to that extreme isn’t good. That is a live-with-your-head-in-the-sand kind of existence. No one wants to live the buffoon. But what if you’re the opposite? What if your lack of trust is so strong, you often go searching for the crumbs, crumbs that may not even be there? A sort of paranoia? Again, an extreme. Both lead to a sense of out-of-control mania, even obsession. Blind trust vs. no trust? Both, in my opinion, are bad. And many of us fall into one camp or the other. The thing is, when you don’t trust, and you start looking, and you start to see something, then what? What if a friend sees it for you? Or vice versa, you see it for a friend? What then? Communicate? Go straight to the person? Ask them? Well, sure, you could…except if you’re this kind of person, you won’t trust their answer anyway, and search will continue, the pursuit ever stronger. And sometimes (okay, who am I kidding—OFTENTIMES), I’ve found myself to be this kind of person. I follow. I research. And when and if I find the conclusive evidence, then I communicate. Or perhaps you may call it confront. I wait. Then watch them lie. Then I’m done. Because I know. I’m not happy that life has been a series of events or people or experiences that have molded me to be this way. I’m working on it. Being in healthy relationships helps. But I’ll be damned if I’m the last one to know that I’m being fooled. And even writing this, it feels like a pride thing, maybe even that paranoia. “No one is going to pull the wool over my eyes. No sir-ee!” Or--"Ha! I knew it! Caught you, ya bastard!" Perhaps the real answer is to get to a place where you love yourself enough to love others fully and with trust. Because really, it says more about you than it does about them when you’re always looking for disaster or dishonesty. Life will be a series of disappointments. People lie. And it won’t be the last time they lie to you. The question is: Do you think that is reason enough to never open yourself up to another human being? Maybe. Maybe not. So that is why loving yourself makes it all worthwhile, doesn’t it? For if you must say goodbye to someone you love, you’re never alone. I have a friend who tells me I'm being silly, neurotic, over-the-top when it comes to "saving" the environment, that we are too far gone, that it's hopeless. I don't necessarily disagree with him. Things are pretty dire. Pretty bleak. But to simply NOT do anything is crazy to me. Is it to you? I have visited a recycling facility first-hand and learned a lot about what can and cannot be recycled for starters. You should too. I refuse to simply do nothing...in a few years, who knows what may be discovered, what inventions scientists and environmentalists may unlock. In the mean-time, besides recycling, and all the things we know--shut off the water when brushing your teeth, don't leave on lights, don't linger in the shower for 100 minutes, STOP drinking bottled water FFS (fill up reusable water bottles anywhere filtered water is (I'm fortunate my school has them everywhere) ), grow some of your own food--what else can we do? What else do I do? Lots. But here are some REALLY easy things MOST of us can do: 1. Use reusuable STUFF whenever possible. Glass containers vs. plastic bags, reusuable cups or mugs vs. plastic or styrofoam, and reusable straws vs. plastic ones for example. I have silicone ones, and Starbucks even has a reusuable cup with said draw for refills. Dunkin' Donuts will be banning them soon. Places are banning them everywhere. I wouldn't be surprised if they're outlawed completely soon. Some are even switching to paper straws that decompose naturally. Visit OUR LAST STRAW for more details. DON'T use plastic bags. They can't be recycled! And if something can fit easily in a purse or a pocket, don't get a bag! I have a huge purse. If I buy small items, there they go. Bring recyclable bags to the grocery store. You don't need plastic bags! For anything anymore. Come on, people! If your receipt can be sent electronically do that too while you're at it while shopping. 2. Get big organizations, hospitals, schools, etc. to make it easier for people to recycle. Make signs. Ask for cafeterias and such to go back to old-school trays. Make a stink. Make it a priority. And TELL people. Spread the word. 3. If you drive, walk. If you can, take public transportation. If you can ride a bike, do it. If you must drive, get a hybrid, or even better, a fully-electric car as I did. You think it's expensive? Check in with your gov't and see if there are any reimbursements still available. I got huge ones. And think of all the gas you'll be saving. But at the very least, CAR POOL! 4. Don't print if you don't have to--now this one is controversial, especially with book lovers, myself included. But first of all, LIBRARIES DO STILL EXIST! And I realize we haven't quite figured out what we're going to do with our electronics...but Amazon has the right idea. Print only what people buy for books...so I can dig that, and do, and reading is important any way you slice it! How else do we get Paper Cuts right? WINK. WINK. (Insert shameless plug. If you don't know what I'm talking about, you probably shouldn't be reading this.) As I said, we haven't figured this all out regarding electronics, how to dispose of them, etc. So this isn't perfect, but Kindles, Nooks, laptops, etc., do save the trees. Never mind germs! I've gone to almost fully paperless classrooms. And for Pete's sake, stop printing needless things that don't get read! And NO COLOR or tissue paper. These things can't be recycled. They are unnecessary. Use your imagination the next time your gift-wrapping. 5. If you can, get solar panels. They're not as expensive you think. Check with your government. Do research. And you'll see. Never mind the money you'll save down the road. Just be sure the place you must "pay your bills" also uses CLEAN electricity and not "dirty" coal. Another thing, if you can afford it, insulate your home. 6. Finally, don't buy from places that don't give a rat's ass about these things. We have choices. Make good ones. Okay. I'll get off my soapbox now. I'm sure this is old news to some of you...but just in case you're one of the nay-sayers, like my friend, you're welcome. :) What do you fear? And what do you do with that? Do you hide? Bury it? Or do you tackle it, head-on? Have you grown in this regard or do you fall back on old habits? I’m a work in progress. And fear isn’t going anywhere any time soon. But it’s not a guiding force in my life anymore. Steps, even baby ones, are better than no steps. People often tell us to face our fears in order to get over them. But sometimes, fear needn’t be faced. Sometimes it’s okay to simply remove yourself from situations or even people. If something or the idea of something is causing you so much anxiety, why do it? How does that help? Many say that you’ll never get over it if you don’t. But again, I disagree, even some psychologists have discovered this. It can often lead to worse fears, deeper anxieties, even withdrawal or reclusive behaviors. So, for me, it’s important to face things that I must overcome in order to find happiness and balance, to find myself and who I want to be, and what I want to accomplish. Sometimes, even, it’s timing. I recently had an opportunity to take a trip somewhere I’d never been. It didn’t feel right. I can’t put my finger on why, it just didn’t. And ignoring it wasn’t helping. I was, quite literally, waking in the middle of the night, finding it hard to breathe. “You’ll be fine.” “Just do it.” “You’ll regret it if you don’t.” “These opportunities don’t present themselves but rarely.” Perhaps all of these replies are true. Perhaps I won’t have this opportunity again. But after careful thought, I realized I do and will have ample opportunities. There comes a time in our lives where we must accept who we are not versions of who we WISH we were or how others want us to be. Certain things don’t thrill me. But instead, make me uncomfortable. Ignoring those feelings and emotions seem downright counter-intuitive to me. Was I going on this trip to please others? Prove to others that I can overcome my fears? Or was I contemplating going because I wanted to improve myself, grow, and overcome unfounded emotions of fear? If I really listened to myself, it was the former. I had no desire to tackle this on my own behalf but instead, to “prove” something. That’s not overcoming a fear. That’s worrying, again, about what other people think or expect from me. So, in essence, by bowing out and deciding not to go, I actually conquered something else far more important in the process: Letting go of the fear of disappointing others. I’m done with that. After I decided not to go, I could finally sleep again, and I could finally begin thinking about what I wanted from my own life, not the life others saw of me. Instead, though, I did tackle a smaller, more manageable fear. I rode The Hulk in Orlando. And that was a small baby step for me. Living in the moment for a change. Hopping in that line. Waiting an hour. Cruising down the twists and turns. Facing the truth that I don’t fear death either. What I really fear is not living for myself but living for others, living for the future and not the present, living, then, not really at all, but waiting...waiting for others to decide my fate. So, however superficial it may seem on the surface, that ride was a metaphor for where I am in my life. I’ll face what I want, when I want, and when I think it benefits myself not because it might impress someone else. Selfish? No. Progress. That ride a silly metaphor, you say? Not for me. And I don’t care if you do think it’s silly, remember? Because… I’ve overcome that fear. It's time I wrote my own story. And I won't fear what others have to say about it. My pencil. My eraser. My life. My fears. My story. :) And yes, I'm still more than a little scared...
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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