Is Giving Up Actually Healthy for Us?

We all have personal and professional goals, aka, dreams, we’re trying to achieve in this go-around. What are yours? And at what point is a dream just wishful thinking? In short, when is it time to give up? We see all kinds of positive thinking and memes on social media about not giving up, about following our dreams, about staying the course, and on and on…but are some dreams absurd? Does the boy who wants to be a professional soccer player, for instance, who works tirelessly and hard to achieve that goal foolish when, say, he just doesn’t have the strength for it? Or the talent? Or that young girl who wants to become a veterinarian but who can’t pass a science class or understand the concepts as hard as she tries? Could the same be said for writers? Or any other goals and dreams? In short, are some dreams simply unreasonable and causing us more angst and depression?

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In an article in Psychology Today last year, the old adages of "Follow Your Dreams" and "Never Give Up" and "At First You Don't Succeed, Try, Try Again!" were debunked and a new study by Klaus Rothermund and Katharina Koppe actually said that such maxims as "Anything Is Possible" are harmful and even exacerbate or cause depression in people. 

"As we all know from our childhood experiences, the maxim “If at first, you don’t succeed, try, try again!” is drummed into our heads from a very young age. These type of pep talks may backfire if the goal is unachievable regardless of how much effort someone pours into his or her futile struggle to succeed.... Rothermund and Koppe found that people often develop clinical depression as a result of making a Herculean effort to achieve an unattainable goal only to realize that their efforts were pointless. No matter how hard the person tries, his or her goals will always be out of reach. This experience can lead to colossal disappointment along with hopelessness, a loss of feeling in control, and helplessness."

Further, the research went on to say that "giving up," once such a negative phrase, can actually save someone from depression and instead can create "a sense of liberty and freedom" that "learning to let go of an unrealistic goal can...help to avoid the demoralization of hitting endless roadblocks and dead ends," and embraces a new adage: ​"The one, who gives up, wins." 

It's hard to give up on a dream. We've been taught that it somehow makes us a failure. We're used to looking to blame other people for the obstacles to our success, calling them "naysayers" and spending an awful lot of time proving those said naysayers wrong, telling ourselves things like:
~The only “yes” you need to follow your dreams is yours.
~You’ll regret it later in life, and if you’re delaying it, you’ll question yourself why didn’t you do it sooner.
~Not following your dreams makes you feel unaccomplished.  Eventually, this will stop you from dreaming altogether.
​(GLOBOTREKS.com)

And certainly, in some cases, that is very true, especially for we writers. Someone puts us down. Criticizes us. Tells us our stuff is shit. What's worse is when someone we respect or admire or who we think supports us tells us this. That's a hard blow. And any person who is self reflective takes these things to heart. But we hearken to the words of the best writers who were also told the same things, who leave us with advice, and it soothes our inner demons...for a time.

I'm not sure where I fall on this spectrum. I would ask you to ask yourself the same questions I've been asking myself before giving up on a dream: How do I feel when I hit an obstacle or failure, perceived or otherwise? Do I feel myself spiraling into a depression when things don't go as planned? Am I following the dream I get satisfaction from? Or is there no longer satisfaction in following that dream? Am I following someone else's dream for me? Am I happy following my dream? Have I set my expectations too high? Do I feel good until someone knocks me down a peg? Is my dream keeping me awake at night? Making me anxious? Insecure? Is my self esteem dwindling? Am I depressed because of it?

The answers to those questions will give us the answer to whether or not our dream is worth following. We must remember: We are NOT one dream. We should have many dreams, many goals, and many pursuits. As a girl who once thought being a professinal dancer was the only dream worth pursuing, I know this. Mediocre at much; master of none was something I often heard. It's bullshit. Being well-rounded is NOT a flaw. This much I do know and HAVE learned.

So set up a life with MANY goals and dreams, and take them one day at a time. Do what makes your soul feel alive, pumping with energy and spirit, not one drowned and suffocated. And for me, today, my goal will be to sit on a beach, under the sun, think about all the things I have to be grateful for and let life live through me. And that will be enough, for now....