I DON’T LIKE CASUAL SEX
It’s a hot topic as of late. The rush. The idea of meeting a virtual stranger and just letting yourself go. Getting swept up in the blissful abandonment of sex and pleasure and orgasm. Sounds great, doesn’t it? I’ve had a sort of epiphany about it. And here it is: I don’t like casual sex. There. I said it. For all to see. Aaaah. But here’s the rub. I’ve never actually HAD casual sex. Not once. I used to think that maybe it was because of my upbringing, my Catholic roots, the moralistic compass that was drilled into me from a young age. But let’s face it. I wouldn’t be writing books about sex if I didn’t enjoy it. I do. I’m not afraid of sex. And quite frankly, without it, I might as well wither up and die. But casual sex simply doesn’t interest me. I don’t want to have sex for the mere conclusion of an orgasm. I want it all. I want to see stars. I want to be taken to that edge and then pushed just a little beyond. I want to take chances and feel every emotion, from my mind to the tips of my toes. And I don’t want it to be only for titillation, for mere pleasure, for the release of climax. I want it to be more. To experience a trust that lets me fall, knowing that when I’m done, I am taken care of. Nourished. Cherished. Loved. I want to feel safety in knowing that I CAN fall. That I can let go. That I can be as dirty and open and sexual as I need to be and that I will be caught when it’s done. I want it to be scary and emotional and painful even. To me, that’s bliss. Coming, having orgasms, feeling sexually euphoric--I can have that with anyone--even just myself. It's the mental connection I crave and need. It's the feeling of: I trust this person entirely, to be pushed just slightly beyond my limits, to dive over the edge, knowing full well that I will not be left for dead but instead, grabbed and held and completely cared for and soothed and calmed. It's THAT. I'm not looking for anything else. And that only comes with love. So when someone calls me a prude or says I just need a good “fuck,” I say to them: No thanks. Casual sex? It’s not for me. I want TRUST. I want that bond. I want to feel it inside and out. I want to sob. I want it to destroy me and then heal me. I want to crash into the person, crawl into them, FEEL every last inch of the experience, mentally AND physically. And I want it to be all-consuming. Risky but safe. Scary but calming. Painful but pleasurable. I want my sex with love. Not just a little. I want it all. Period. Without all that? I see no point. I might as well just masturbate…which reminds me…
32 Comments
12/5/2015 12:19:36
Beautifully-stated, RB, and I wholeheartedly agree. For me, connection and trust are key, the cornerstones on which a mindless orgasm becomes something more, something deeper. For the record, I'm filing this under 'things I wish I'd written'. Great job!
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R.B.
12/6/2015 20:48:49
Thanks, Sweetie. Mindless orgasm--it can have its place!
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Tori Dean
12/5/2015 12:32:18
I agree...I want trust and it to be toe curling. The pleasure, the desires that take you to that euphoric state of ecstacy.
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R.B.
12/6/2015 20:49:58
Go big or go home, right, Tori?
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12/5/2015 12:47:29
There's a reason why casual sex is referred to as "empty sex", it's hollow, it's devoid, it's lacking. I totally agree with you.
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R.B.
12/6/2015 20:54:37
Wow, Kat. This was poignant. And I'm really glad I wrote this now. I often feel a bit out of place, almost as if everything I think or do is somehow blamed on my upbringing of Catholicism. I don't believe any of it (not to offend anyone). It comes from feeling. From euphoria. Why would I want anything less? Empty, hollow sex. Exactly. What's the point? Someone getting to know what another likes...trust...a bond...the ability to take chances. Thank you for putting it that way. I also love the last bit--about erotic writers. Dead on.
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Master
12/5/2015 12:52:25
What you describe is the perfect D/s bond. Love, however, does not happen overnight. You can seek love through D/s. That is the ultimate goal. Sometimes you must take that first step. You then hope love will follow but trust can happen without. You should try.
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J
12/5/2015 13:00:51
RB! My only gripe with this post is that you contradict yourself. If you have never tried it aren't you basically not at liberty to say you won't like it? Let me play devil's advocate there. We have talked before about ignorance. Partial knowledge. You can't make rational cohesive arguments without all sides. Not everything has to be perfect. There is joy in different aspects. Now onto other things. How's music?
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Che Davis
12/6/2015 11:12:32
Good point. I don't believe there is anything casual about sex ever. What is casual? A kiss, a hand on a breast, or a penis? Because to me not even that is casual to me. It's deliberate and has meaning. True sex can be with a stranger - but I don't believe even then it is casual. Sex is sex, and never casual. Maybe rushed, maybe short lived but it was intense or it should have been. There are definitely many levels of sexual actions and activity but I don't think casual is one. Just my opinion.
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R.B.
12/7/2015 06:45:22
I agree with you. Thank you for posting.
R.B.
12/6/2015 20:55:19
Grrrr....
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R.B.
12/6/2015 21:02:07
The Grrrrr is to you, J.
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12/5/2015 14:30:26
Very good post, I love how open and sincere you are. Now let me present the other side of the story.
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R.B.
12/7/2015 06:48:31
As ever Lilah, thoughtful and a side of this topic that needs to be addressed. I think you said it best: Live and let live! I agree. Whatever the choices people make, it is up to that person making the decision. Some things feel right; some thing just don't. I think the shaming goes BOTH ways--it's usually based on the other person not getting what they want or need. You're a prude or you're a slut...neither is accurate when it comes from a place of insincerity. Thank you for this!
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12/5/2015 15:43:26
I grew up in the ‘golden age’…yeah, I’m over the hill…but damn if I don’t feel like a frisky thirty year old most of the time! Because of that I have the privilege of looking back over how things have changed over the years. Morals and open acceptance of sexuality were at the forefront of it. When I was growing up, I hated that my father came to fetch me from high school parties at nine already. Just when the party got really going. Today, looking back, I realize he did it to protect me, to make me realize there were more important things in life than physical gratification. Than plunging head first into something that may come back later and bite you in the ass. Okay…on the other hand, he obviously didn’t trust my judgement at the time…but let’s not go there!!
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R.B.
12/7/2015 06:53:47
Beautifully written, Linzi. Fulfillment is the exact word. And it feels good to finally understand more of myself and my needs. Some of my former ideas or beliefs are challenged every day. It may stem from morals for sure, but it is also just an innate state of being--self discovery is a journey. I'm still very much at the beginning!
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Sir
12/5/2015 20:08:41
RB, I did DM you. Where are you? I will say this here and I don't know who Master is but he is right. You can not force things. You need to stop with all your preconceptions and start living. You're telling me that you have only had sex when in love? If you want my help or advice, please check your DM. Understood? Otherwise I WILL have the discussion right here.
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R.B.
12/6/2015 20:57:56
Wow. Okay. I have no preconceptions. I have my point of view. My feelings. My emotions. Right or wrong. That is all I am saying. It's what I know I want. But further, it is what I know I need.
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GILBERTO
12/6/2015 12:13:29
MEETING SOMEONE AND HAVING SEX SOUNDS EXCITING AND DANGEROUS BUT YOU ARE TAKING A BIG RISK IN THE PROCESS YOU DON'T KNOW THIS PERSON AND DON'T KNOW WHAT THERE PLANS ARE HAVING SEX WITH OUT LOVE OR FEELING IS NOTHING ITS LIKE HAVING A CAR AND NO GAS ONE DOES NOT WORK WITH OUT THE OTHER AND THINK OF THIS HOW MANY OTHER PEOPLE ARE THEY HAVING SEX WITH AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THEY ARE TELLING THE TRUTH AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION DO THEY HAVE ANY SEXUAL TRANSMITTED DISEASE!!!!
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R.B.
12/6/2015 20:59:20
You're right, Gilberto. Thank you for chiming in. It is indeed the world we live in to have to think about these things. I'm glad you brought it up! Thanks for stopping by. Hope to see you again.
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S.D.
12/6/2015 12:58:04
I see two sides to this topic. I like the comment about slut shaming. I like that it is such a double standard it always has been. If casual sex done safe is what a woman wants she shouldn't be called a slut. Sexual gratificiation is a natural thing. It shouldn't be taken so seriously. In my opinion. Pleasure if it hurts no one should be welcomed. Rb, I do agree though. Sex like you describe is what Ithink eveyone hopes and dreams to have. There really is not one thing better. I do have toys though until I really find it. I love reading your work. Thank u.
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12/6/2015 14:03:30
It's much, much better with someone you know . . . even if you only know them for the purpose of getting together for sex. Only when you've been with someone a number of times do you know what really pleases them, and they need a chance to 'learn' you as well.
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R.B.
12/6/2015 21:01:20
Hahahahaha. I would love to hear more about getting together for the sole purpose of sex. Isn't that casual sex? Do explain. But thank you for sharing. I appreciate it.
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Felicity Brandon
12/7/2015 06:53:50
An interesting post by R.b. O'Brien, although I have to say I don't agree. Trust and a connection in a LTR can be mind-blowing, but it can also be mind-numbingly dull. In the same way, casual sex can make you feel cheap and dirty or it can be absolutely incredible. IMO there is no 'right or wrong' way to have or enjoy sex, so long as that sex is between mutually consenting adults.
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DeeSeee
12/7/2015 13:57:27
There are two aspects to this whole discussion and most of it revolves around what is "casual sex." What is most fascinating about what RB is saying is that she wants security in sex, but also adventure and risk. The question is how can you have it at the same time, and if you limit yourself to not having what you seem to describe as casual sex, are you loosing the opportunity to find those emotions in a totally new way and find the security but measures in a totally different dimension of what two people can share sexually?
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April Watts
2/22/2016 16:31:01
I have never had casual sex! I guess my raising is coming into play. Just could never see the draw to letting someone I don't know get that close to me.
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I love your article it is along time coming in needing to be said and i respect all the views stated here. I do have an opinion on the matter but it is highly personal and not for public viewing. Suffice to say I had a hard introduction into sex at 14 not even knowing what sex was or understanding virginity. My life today is based on a sexless marriage not of my doing but nature's therefore I write. Casual sex even for me as a solution is for me the same attitude that RB has. Way to go And i agree Live and let live and keep your nose out of my bedroom!
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Wendi
2/22/2016 17:59:54
Well, as I agree with the point you are making in this blog, I do have to say there us a certain level of excitement that comes from casual sex. You know about my extracurricular activities and if it wasn't for my bout of casual sex from an outside party I would not feel that feeling of being alive. Yes every now and again having a good fuck is worth it, but you have to leave it at just that. If you want love, casual sex is not for you because you will not enjoy yourself at all, and there's no point if you won't enjoy yourself.
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M
2/22/2016 19:44:44
An interesting and always controversial topic. My position falls into the "live and let live" category having lived freely on both sides of the moral fence. Sex for the sake of sex is recreational, fun and highly pleasurable when undertaken intelligently/safely. The euphoria that comes with a down and dirty hook up can be exhillerating. It can also be disappointing and wholly unfulfilling. You need to be prepared for both outcomes. On the otherhand, sex in a longstanding committed relationship can provide so many additional layers to the experience that it touches a part of your spirit that a quick fuck never could. I think there's a time and place for both, if you're so inclined.
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6/9/2016 16:25:35
Casual sex has to be approached with a sense of adventure and daring - like Columbus setting out into the unknown, seeking one thing, but finding another. You will find my thoughts on casual sex here -
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Ray Getzinger
3/5/2017 16:25:17
You are just an amazing person. What you are saying is just perfect. I am not exactly as rigid about casual sex, but if I don't have feelings for my partner I am not interested.
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11/26/2020 08:23:05
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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