Many of us who write erotica, erotic romance, dark romance, or bdsm-related stories cannot reveal our real names or identities. And let me tell you, it’s difficult and lonely at times. I can’t connect with “real life” friends on Facebook or Tweet them my favorite event of the day or share a review I got on my books. Because I teach, and just the nature of my life in general, people in my ‘circles’ would never understand. They certainly wouldn’t believe I write what I write. Everyone I know knows that I write, of course, I write much for my job that is not erotic-related, but they will never know my books of fiction or my stories. It’s just not worth it to be judged like that. Never mind that I need my job and happen to truly love it. But…I must write what I write or wither and perish altogether. It’s my only outlet to explore things I can’t begin to understand about myself or explore in real life. Before I published the Natalie’s Edge series, I didn’t have a Facebook page, couldn’t even fathom the concept of Twitter, and creating a website or blog? I used to pride myself a Luddite actually. The social media stuff just seemed to be asking for trouble in my line of profession. Case in point: My very first job out of college was teaching high school seniors, and I was just barely older than they were. Things got a little sticky at times to say the least. I certainly didn’t want to open any more doors than were necessary. Some of the stereotypes are true. Boys are horny ALL THE TIME. (And no. I do not find that exciting in the least bit. Sorry.) So social media? I didn’t want that kind of trouble. Why would I open those kinds of doors? So why do I tell you all of this? Because some of you are becoming a very real part of my life, in this crazy virtual world. I’ve connected with many of you, would love to have a beer or a glass of wine with a few of you (you know who you are!), and a part of me wishes everything didn’t have to be so secret. At times, I feel much closer to many of you than I do to some of my real-life companions. How strange it has become! Because honestly, as Shakespeare wrote, WHAT’S IN A NAME? It couldn’t be more accurate. A name is a label. It doesn’t make the person. Behind every pseudonym is a human being, alive, full of feelings and emotions, ideas, thoughts, seeking out advice, caring about the lives of those around her in the virtual sphere. We share bits and pieces each and every day, opening up, becoming closer with others, thinking about them upon the very first breath of morning and the very last before bed. It’s much harder than I thought it would be to remain hidden. In fact, many of you know more than most. So while we may hide our names, we do not hide ourselves. We are just people, trying to make the best of it each day, trying to have a go at it. I didn’t expect to feel things for people I may never meet. And there are days, I question what I’m doing and my sanity. I wish society was more open, more open to sex, to erotica, to writing taboo subjects. But presently, that is impossible. So I share my triumphs and failures with you. Thank you for letting me.
38 Comments
Mandi
3/13/2016 10:28:27
Well said!! However, in all your posts, it's you. The real you. Yes, you might hide your identity, to protect yourself. You are not alone in this but it's still you who engages with everyone. You pour your heart and soul into your writing and leave a part of it in your work.
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R.B.
3/13/2016 10:39:24
Thank you, Mandi. You just made my day and you know I needed it.
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3/13/2016 10:46:19
Thank you RB!! This is all too true even for non-erotica writers like myself. It can be lonely and frustrating to hide behind a name but I count myself blessed to be in the same company with you!
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Regan
3/13/2016 22:12:56
Why do you feel the need to have a pen name? Just curious.
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Tori Dean
3/13/2016 10:47:09
Beautiful...it doesnt matter your name as long as your nice and respectful of others.
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R.B.
3/13/2016 22:13:18
How about this summer, Tori?
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R.B.
3/13/2016 22:14:11
The Rose name kills me! :) It's so true! We are just people. Who cares about the name.
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3/13/2016 11:23:59
What a great article! It is such a shame that writers of erotica have to use psuedonames because of society's judgement. It does suck. I lie to my mother about the source of my income because she would not understand.
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R.B.
3/13/2016 22:15:32
And what do you tell her, Reed? What DO you do for a living? And you make a living off of writing? I envy you! THAT is amazing.
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3/14/2016 09:17:08
I write dirty smut for a leaving. That I'm an editor and make more off my mainstream writing then I do.
R.B.
3/13/2016 22:16:02
Very sweet, Jimmy. Why fleeting?
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R.B.
3/15/2016 20:59:48
Jimmy--it doesn't have to be! 3/13/2016 12:23:56
So true. I write under two names. I have recently shared with family and fans that I am both Siren and Monica. Yet, I still do not promote Siren's naughty things on Monica's sweet girl page. I'm trying my best not to offend anyone and yes, it can be lonely. Just know you've got us, and we understand. :)
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R.B.
3/13/2016 22:16:50
I did not know about Monica! Did I? I'm glad to have you as friends! It does make it easier.
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3/13/2016 12:56:36
Sometimes I just want to burst out that I write erotica. On the other hand I kinda enjoy the secrecy of it. I incorporate traits, first names, events related to me from those who have no idea I'm even listening LOL. To them I'm just the extremely quiet Catholic girl in the corner. So it is fun for me but, if found out, would probably be ostracized.
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R.B.
3/13/2016 22:17:26
Ooooooh, Isabella. We have so much in common.
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Ashlee Shades
3/13/2016 13:41:23
RB - That was beautifully said. It is a lonely world when you have to keep yourself set apart, have two or more personalities, but as you implied: This world is not open to all of "us" yet.
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R.B.
3/13/2016 22:18:29
As usual, Ashlee, you tug at my heart strings, making me smile and almost cry at the same time--the sign of a great writer. :)
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3/13/2016 14:01:05
I wish our cultural was more open-minded as well.
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Dee See
3/13/2016 14:15:25
Thanks for directing me here ...
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3/13/2016 16:19:45
I love that you wrote this! I am also a teacher. And, like you, I have to hide behind a pen name because I could lose my job if people found out. There's this idea that teachers aren't entitled to any life outside of their work. Truthfully, as soon as my books pay the bills, I'm coming out, y'all, and letting my freak flag fly! :) Great article!!
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R.B.
3/15/2016 21:01:14
Maybe it will happen for us both! Even still, I love my job...so I would want continue somehow. My characters make me too emotional. Teaching keeps me stable...well..sort of!
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3/13/2016 20:41:59
Hunny we love you too. You've become a big part of our loves, and a wonderful friend. It's a shame we can't be as open about what we do as we should be, but that's the times we live in. Friendships are built on who and what we are, not the name we give. As my grandfather used to say, when it comes to feelings distance doesn't matter, and neither does the how. You're a beautiful person, and your name doesn't change who you are. Now get the wine out Hunny, and let's party 💕
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R.B.
3/15/2016 21:01:46
I keep missing you, Dakota! Thank you for such kind words. Miss you!
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David Lee
3/14/2016 03:51:39
That is the most beautiful thing i have read. .you are so open and honest..sincere. .your thoughts on this is uncomplicated and blows me away. .What an outstanding piece. .A name is a name. .its whats deep inside that is gorgeous. .can actually feel the passion in the words that have been written. .it is a good feeling. .keep up the amazing work. .god blessed tyou with an amazing talent. wow loved it
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R.B.
3/15/2016 21:02:19
MWAH, David Lee!
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3/14/2016 05:38:25
Yeah, I get it. There is a lot of taboo in our society over sex. People like to judge. I write nonfiction, women's fiction, and romantic suspense under my real name (Amber) but created a pen name to write erotic paranormal romance (Dakota Skye). I liked the freedom of a pen name, actually. Knowing that no one knows that part of me--the weird, wild, and limitless part--is stimulating. I do sometimes slip when people ask me how many books I've published and I accidentally include "hers" in the number, but oh well. It IS hard to hide that part of yourself from people in "real life" but it is necessary. In a way, though, it's also liberating to have a secret identity--kind of like a really cool and sexy spy. Ha.
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R.B.
3/15/2016 21:02:47
Yes, Amber. That secret identity has its perks...but mostly, it's just a drag!
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Roman
3/14/2016 13:16:19
I disagree with this from the roots up. I understand why you feel the way you do, but it's sad that you understand the premise is wrong (that you feel you have to hide it for the sake of your job) because people won't understand. I too work in a professional environment. I work with business professionals and Presidents and Corporate agents on a daily basis and I have a memoir out there that paints me in an incredibly poor but true light. It's where I was at that time in my life. But I will never filter myself or my work, or hide who I am so that I am accepted by anyone- be it a relationship or job or "career." If you have to alter or amend or stifle who you are to satisfy others then fuck em'. And I stand by that. To be filtered is to be weak. To be stifled is to be weak. No one who has ever made a difference, who has ever gone on to accomplish great things, did so by being weak, by being controlled and having their ultimate desires and beliefs and way of life controlled by others, be it a job, government entity or single individual. Live as you desire and let the rest fall where they may. When the smoke clears you'll have all you need and probably a lot more. -RDN
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R.B.
3/15/2016 21:04:11
Roman--such a fiery, passionate fellow. I know your right and yet my fear drives me. Maybe some day. Weak, huh? Cautious is what I would call it. :) And I'm not sure my writing is going to make all that much of a difference. Yours--a whole different ball game. I love your writing.
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3/14/2016 18:22:21
I used to be "secret" to everyone I knew, but now that I'm "out" as a romance/erotica writer, I was actually pleased to learn that the majority of people do not care at all. :)
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R.B.
3/15/2016 21:05:25
You know, Elisabeth, one of my friends 'figured me out' and she was so supportive it gives me hope. But not everyone is so open-minded--I, myself, am not even sure that I am open-minded enough. How crazy is that?
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Tina Oatts
4/20/2016 11:55:47
So very well said. Thank you for expressing it just right.
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4/22/2016 08:22:31
Amen and hallelujah. I agree in many ways this is a lonesome road we walk. Something I've said for years and forever is that Queen Victoria kicked her bucket and our British cousins had the good sense God gave a gopher to bury her psycho ass and get back to healthy sexuality, but we Americans never made that evolution somehow, still clinging to Cotton Mather's rotted corpse as though he still might rise up and cast judgment upon us. And so, those of us who write erotica find ourselves, for a variety of good reasons, standing in these pseudonymous shadows. Thank you SO much for this post!
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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