This time of year has gotten tougher over the years for me. November is my dad’s birthday, and last year was particularly hard, as it was the first year without my mom for Thanksgiving; even if we fought every step of the way, it was still our day, meat stuffing battle having only been finally won one year before her death. I should have let her have her damn meat stuffing. The last few years before it were hard too. In a wheelchair, struggling to breathe, strapped to an oxygen tank, my mom often felt like a burden in my chaotic and busy life. It doesn’t feel good to say that. But it is the truth. I loved her the best I could. And I miss her. Right now, right this very minute, I think about how fleeting moments are. Truly fleeting. Something so important in one moment vanishes the next. It is only over time that we realize which moments and people will really matter. I reflect on this very time last year. I hadn’t yet published Thorne, but was fully immersed. I met new friends, new writers and mentors, supporters and confidantes. And I had the opportunity to take a chance. A chance to meet someone. A café. A rendezvous. A little restaurant in Boston. One night. A very different Thanksgiving. A way to get my mind off tradition. Get away, perhaps, from what I always do, to get away, even, from the person I have always been. Why not, I asked myself. Why the hell not? Peccavi. And the answer is simple. I rarely take chances or risks. I knew it then, and I certainly know it now--he would only break my heart. And here’s the rub. My heart got broken anyway…as I somehow always knew it would. I was playing with fire. I got scorched. Over the summer, I finally took a chance and took a trip, alone, to a different country. A fear realized and faced. A risk. A chance. But it was a safe risk, one where my heart wouldn’t be broken, one that didn’t require putting my heart on the line. My heart was tucked away safely. So I ask, is it ever worth it to take a risk involving one’s heart, where the cards are completely stacked so strongly against you, even the strongest wind couldn’t remove them? I still don’t know. Hearts will be broken. Do I regret that I never took that chance last Thanksgiving? Absolutely not. That is a moment that has proven not to have mattered. And I’m grateful that I am the person I am. Our sixth sense is profound. And I think mine is 6 cubed. Still, I romanticize of what could have been…if even only for one night. I’m a romantic that way. But of course, that’s no secret, now is it?
10 Comments
Tori Dean
11/19/2016 09:53:48
Its a life's lesson on taking chances. Some are good and some are bad. But wondering WHAT IF will always be in the forefront of those chances.
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Sam
11/19/2016 10:05:04
Always listen to your gut. People who try to force you to take chances you are uncomfortable with are usually people who don't really care about you or your emotional wellbeing.
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11/19/2016 12:41:26
Another lovely blog, RB. Your honesty and sincerity always shine through. Be the light!
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11/19/2016 14:34:11
Pain is a natural part of life. The only way to truly evade it is by blocking yourself for the possibility of anything good happening to you. Going to a mountain top, spending the rest of your life in isolation.
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David lee
11/19/2016 14:46:04
Yes that is beautiful piece of writing .As always, And yes you are so very right.. Taking the risk was out the norm but you took it. And life is full of lessons. Life has taught you some very taught lessons . 12monthsago you were such a different women. I am so sorry that your heart got broken . Hopefully from this day forth you will be happy. With laughter in your soul. Uncontrollable smiles. I pray this thanks giving is a wonderful and more enjoyable.
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11/19/2016 16:06:00
So sorry about your loss. My mom and I argued like crazy but at the end I brought her to my house and nursed her thro two years of Alzheimer's. So glad we had that time together. Hugs xx
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Master
11/25/2016 20:41:54
Such a sweet, lovely woman.
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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