My post today comes from a conversation I had with an old ‘friend’ from my past the other day. I wasn’t going to write about it, but it’s gnawing away at me, so I must. You know when you think you know how you feel about something or what you believe and then someone challenges that, and you may change your mind or at least THINK about things differently? Yes. That. BDSM. What is it? Where/how did we come to like certain things in the bedroom and beyond? I'm not going to use this post to explain what the acronym means or all the varied nuances of BDSM. It's too varied and that's not my point here. My advice is : If you don't know? Do some research. But it used to be a long-held misconception that something “bad” must have happened to us or “traumatic,” and this is the “why” of why we like certain things, sexually or otherwise. I don’t doubt our pasts shape our present in so many ways (and our future). But must it be traumatic? No. It might be the evolution of discovery. Our journey. Someone may have asked: Hey, wanna try x, y, or z? And you say: Um…Okay. And then you discover you may like something (or not). The BDSM community spends an awful lot of time talking about consent. And it’s confusing when there are books and movies and dark romances that thrive on non-consent or dubious consent—usually, in these tales, the person “victimized” secretly likes it though, wants it, and just needs to discover it…so is there really any non-consent at all? It’s quite confusing in a world of “no means no,” isn’t it? It turns some of us on. And even in real life. It’s not always just fantasy. And, “So what?” I often said. Who cares? It’s not my business what turns on another. But maybe I’m wrong. That friend said to me: “BDSM is nothing more than consent to abuse. Period.” What? I screamed. No. You just don’t understand it. And he paused, let me rant, and then picked right back up. He said: “You misunderstand me. I’m not judging. I’m just stating the obvious. It’s EXACTLY like an abusive relationship. But with consent. You slap someone around. Or you emotionally destroy them. Or you take away their power. And then you give them pleasure after. And then comfort. The only difference is you don’t apologize for the abuse, because it’s consensual. But it’s the same, exact cycle.” (I’m paraphrasing here). For anyone who’s ever been in an abusive relationship, physical or emotional, you know the pattern. You fight. Maybe hit. Get ignored. Or “punished.” Then the “abuser” apologizes, maybe on knees, brings flowers, begs, and then, sometimes, the make-up sex is out of this world, blinding orgasm and bliss may ensue, and a time of calm enters…until…it happens all over again. Damn it. Does my friend have a point? I don’t agree with my friend. I don’t think. But then again, he does use the word consent. Is that what matters? I’m not sure. It’s why I’m writing this. I’m working through it. Some argue BDSM can be equated to being gay. It’s not a choice. It’s our make-up, something we’re born with. Maybe that is true. Or maybe it really is formed from our pasts. Or maybe it’s a combo. When the BDSM community talks loudly about consent, it makes me wonder about some of the stories I like to read (and write) and my turn-ons. It also makes me think of the BDSM Library (if you’re familiar), where most of those stories, dear god, are anything but consensual, and yet, it’s called the BDSM Library. (Not my cup of tea.) And yes, I cannot end this post without mentioning 50 Shades, and all those who call it abuse. I don’t follow that train of thought on that. But, if my friend is right, that much of BDSM is just consensual abuse, the oxymoron, suddenly may make some sense. And damn it, here I am, full-circle ending, thinking...
5 Comments
Joseph Barrett
6/7/2018 13:04:26
So much can be said about this subject and most are little informed and don’t understand the true connection and relationship that’s involved with this. So many vanilla relationships talk about movies, eating, and shared tastes including what they enjoy sexually. With a BDSM couple it goes so much deeper than if you want missionary, doggy or cowboy or even how many times in a week.
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DeeSee
6/7/2018 14:54:30
I have struggled with understanding it since I first read some of these books, stories and displays. Even your books RB have challenged me to accept that there are persons that wish to be a part of this type of relationship, particularly when they seem to have little choice in the matter (imprisoned) When two people (or more) engage in a relationship on whatever the basis i do not believe it is my place to judge it, although I do attempt to understand it. Abusive relationships are not what I understand BDSM to be. They are imply and purely abusive relationships and should be treated as unacceptable. The line between BDSM can seem to be very narrow, and perhaps they are. Pleasure and pain and those thresholds are equally narrow but must be experienced in order to discern what level of each is tolerable when provided by a partner or partners.
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Master
6/13/2018 11:19:13
No.
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christine romero
2/18/2019 18:37:50
I've been in BDSM on and off since I was 16 although all of my experiences were mostly non-sexual as far as intercourse. I've been edged, spanked whipped tied up so on and so forth and never have considered it abuse. I was verbally and physical abused by my mother and verbally abused by my husband and some other members of my family. When in a BDSM relationship everything that happens in it from the bondage to aftercare or just spending time together is all agreed upon before anything is realized I do have a number of hard limits and soft limits but nothing is allowed without my wanting it to. Grant you there are such relationships without agreements of sorts and some that are pure violence with no safe words. A master, slave comes to mind. All that I have been in are just the basic non-sexual (intercourse) types. There is no set rules per say there are groups that have rules to follow clubs etc. Each person SUB and DOM are individuals and so are their relationships. I believe its only abuse when it belittles and bullies a person.
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Jay
1/8/2024 01:22:42
I've had some time to think this through and I would honestly say, NO. It's not consensual abuse, because the Dom a lot of times is in love with and cares about their sub. Abuse crosses boundaries, and the abuser does not love nor respect the person they're abusing. Furthermore, the abuser never checks to make sure you are comfortable with what's going on. You can stop your Dom at any time if you feel uncomfortable. An abuser would never stop when you ask them to stop what they're doing to you. Do you fear your Dom? How does your Dom treat you before and after the scenes? That will let you know the difference between abuse and kink (something taboo that turns you on). It turns me on when my Dom urinates on me or inside my mouth and slaps me around and chokes me and spits on me. I have asked him to do these things to me because it turns me on... If at any time I don't want to do these things, I can tell him and he will stop with no issues whatsoever. With abuse, I am not consenting, and the abuser is not going to stop if I asked them to. The abuser hates me. My Dom really cares about me and loves me.
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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