In the land of BDSM, “safe words” are paramount. Sane. Safe. Consensual. Very important when practicing the art of BDSM. Trust. The most important thing. And that’s where there has been controversy. Or perhaps not. I know this topic will get some people fired up, even angry with me. I lived through one such argument. Saw first-hand how heated, how opinionated, how downright nasty this topic can get when people disagree. It’s hard to have an open-minded discussion about a topic you believe so strongly in, that you are certain of. Let me explain.
When writing my Natalie’s Edge series, I met many people who practice the lifestyle. In a heated debate on safe words, there was one lone person who took the unpopular view. He tried to make his argument cogent. The “opposers” wouldn’t hear of it. He may have been too harsh himself. He may not have stated his points in the dispassionate manner he probably should have. Here was his point. Trust. He espoused that in a consensual BDSM relationship--and he was a believer that THAT only came with love and the whole equation, not a scene, not a fetish, not some contrived club atmosphere, but a lifestyle built on love and trust and loyalty—safe words were unnecessary. He espoused that in the true dynamic, the lovers would be so in tune with one another, love each other in a way that was so soul searching, that a simple "no" would do the trick. That a discussion, that open communication before any act, that getting to know one another, deeply, truly, fully, would eliminate any need to use such a “contrived” (his words) form of communication. You can imagine that this stirred up much debate. Anger. Miscommunication. After all, he was a professed sadist, a passionate sadist was his self-titled moniker, and many in the discussion kept trying to get him to see that point. And to see that sometimes in a "scene" the person won't know how far she/he can go until that VERY MOMENT, that there is no way to know our limits beforehand, that part of play is to push limits, to see how far one can really go. It got ugly. His views certainly didn’t change their minds; their views certainly didn’t change his. Instead, friendships, discussion groups, all became severed, never to meet again. I was new to all of it. Hadn’t heard of safe words except in Fifty Shades of Grey, but I listened. And I don’t think he was necessarily wrong. In the minority, yes. One may even say that is was a romantic notion. To find a love like that, a love where trust and communication is as natural as breathing the air around us. They felt it was irresponsible to even contemplate such an idea. That he must be some lunatic. How could a sadist control himself? In truth, they judged him. If one stops and thinks about it, it’s a beautiful idea to be so in tune with another human being that you can delve into your deepest, darkest fantasies and desires and know that the trust is there implicitly, that that person knows you so well, that he has your best interest always at the forefront of everything, sexual and otherwise. I have yet to meet anyone else like him. I doubt I ever will. He was a one-of-a-kind. And I'm sure you can fill in the rest. I don't need to say anymore. In Thorne: Rose’s Dark Contract, I wrote it without safe words, at first. I know much dark romance adds a disclaimer, goes there, doesn’t follow the rules but breaks them. It's part of the dark romance lure. But this tale isn’t so dark after all and it didn’t go where I originally had it going. Time. Space. Healing. I’m not sure I can even call this a dark romance anymore. I’m not sure what it is. It IS dark. But really, is there any of us that don’t have darkness? After all, can you know what darkness is without light? I leave it to you to comment. I’ve had one true BDSM experience. I am no expert. So I welcome your wisdom. Tell me. What is your opinion of safe words?
20 Comments
Master
1/24/2016 12:12:36
Jesus FC Rb. There is nothing romantic about not using safewords. Nothing!
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:52:43
You are certainly entitled to you opinion. And I am as well. I see the romantic in most things. But then again, you already know that. ;)
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I am by no means anything but a romantic BUT as I understand it safe words are for both parties safety. A simple no can be misconstrued that is why the word is a special reference. That being said only you know when you've had enough or if you've exceeded your limit. Your partner cannot know if you don't tell them regardless of how in tune you are to each other. I can see where safe words prevent arguments, hurt feelings even pain that is not pleasant. In my naive opinion, I would say it is very necessary.
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:54:30
Thank you so much for stopping by, Sherri. We romantics need to stick together! I think you are right about "no." We often say that in the heat of the moment. And it doesn't always mean no. Not during a sexual act where passion takes over. So I agree. No may be too subtle, unless that is what the couple has agreed upon.
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Sir
1/24/2016 12:38:47
I agree and disagree with "Master". In many ways, R.B., the no you use above could actually be a safeword. The truth of the matter is that you need to communicate. Whatever that is. A no. A safeword. I also know that your not talking about the BDSM that some people practice. But we can discuss that later. Bottom line is safety above anything else, however you and your partner decide upon that. It can never be anything less. Ever. Please. Love and the rest of it can be very real the most sacred of all D/s relationships.
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:55:07
Thank you! I love your wisdom.
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:56:15
Thank you, Gale. Can't wait to dig into your writing as well. Someday, I'm going full-on dark. But we shall see if I have the guts. Perhaps there is more light in me than I care to admit...:)
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S.D.
1/24/2016 13:18:23
I don't know much about this stuff. I just like to read it. So it's all fantasy to me no matter what. I like it dark. I can distinguish between reading and the real world. So I say that you should write what you what. Save the 'safety' and all that for real life. We read to escape. at least i do. I don't want it to be watered down to meet some standard. Go for it. I say. I can not wait to read this. I remember your first teaser. hurry up!
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1/24/2016 13:36:40
I don't think safewords should be necessarily used in fiction, especially since fiction is a way for us to delve into our darkest fantasies. Erotic literature is not and shouldn't be considered a safety manual for BDSM practitioners.
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:57:25
Lilah--Brilliant! YOU should have written this post. I can't thank you enough for taking the time to write that. Dead on. Poignant. Well-written. Loved this. Your two cents is worth much more than that to me.
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1/24/2016 13:46:02
I can go in either direction. I've read tales with and without the use of a safe word and enjoyed both. I think it comes down to how you craft the depth of their connection to understand the threshold if you don't use it and the context of how it is maintained if you use it. In the end, it is a dark fantasy for the reader to get lost in, make it adventure they'll never forget.
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:58:31
Me too. I think it's the emotional connection. And I CAN distinguish, as well, between real life and fantasy. Much of what I read is dark and though tantalizing, would not want to have it in real life.
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1/24/2016 15:23:14
Great points! Any Dom who says NO to safewords is selling something you don't want to buy.
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R.B.
1/25/2016 06:59:21
Hmmmm...That's exactly what he was told.
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Lea
1/25/2016 06:58:04
Safe words are needed most definitely, yes they can be romantic but its a need to keep all involved safe as well. I do agree
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R.B.
1/25/2016 07:00:25
Thank you, Lea. I'm a romantic at heart. Sometimes, I think it's my handicap! Welcome to my blog. I appreciate your comment.
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N.V.
1/25/2016 11:16:51
I am in two minds about this. I definitely think there is a need for safewords in the BDSM lifestyle, especially if you are new to it. But if a Dom relies purely on the sub's use of their safeword to stop play then that's a big no-no in my book. The sub may not be capable of using their safeword if they are in a highly charged emotional state or 'subspace' so in that situation the safeword becomes useless in my view. So I'm not against the use of safewords but they should not be solely relied on.
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DeeSee
1/25/2016 15:22:13
R.b. Although I am not practicing I certainly have enjoyed both your and Lilah's portrayals of dominant submissive situations. In a strictly vanilla situation there are still "safe words" most generally NO. And as you say, depending on the situation it means no and in others not! But in a truly deeply felt emotional and loving situation it is enough even to simply be pushed away or "adjusted" in the activity to make it more pleasurable. Im most sexual/sensuous circumstance it is the prerogative of one or both the players to make changes or approaches to any activity - it doesn't even have to be a word, it is just finding the right place, the right way to make it better for all.
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2/18/2016 09:30:21
TY for writing this content and placing it on twitter. I often find these things interesting to read. I understand the passion some seem to have about the topic of safe words. I, myself, see it more in the context as a work of art. Writers are artists. I don't see why you must be bound too heavily by convention. I think any violation of a norm here is overstated. Best of luck to you. @kodisinglebery
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I LOVE to write and read. I particularly enjoy reading erotic romance that has tons of emotion in it. I hope you will ask me questions and share your favorite authors and novels. I welcome all feedback.
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